I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
