When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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