So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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