i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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