may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Randomize
