your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
