My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
