she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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