I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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