Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
