So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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