it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
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No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
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Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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