Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
