I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Too much gin, very little bucket
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
