and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
