Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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