If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
