What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I wish I only lived at night.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
