It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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