I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
