I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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