SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
