i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
