In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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