The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.