I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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