Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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