I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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