Operation Purity has been aborted
The beer is more important than you right now.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Randomize
