I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
