my phone needs a breathalizer
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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