we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
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My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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