dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
