I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
