Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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