I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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