dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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