My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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