I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
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