Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
