i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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