you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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