you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
