Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
