I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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