What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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