i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
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I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
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He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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