I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
