What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
