Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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