happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
