Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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