Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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