I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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