yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
