Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
