Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
