I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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