this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
